YouTube, Adventures With Julian

Sunrise to Sunset

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Our summers in the past have been jam packed with things to do revolving around my work schedule. This summer much like last has been different because of my limitations on what I can do. Does Julian care, it would seem not, as he is just happy to be hanging out with me. I think about the difference from when I was working compared to how things are now. Is it better to be the working mom or the slightly sick stay at home mom?

I planned things non stop with other working moms for after work once we picked our littles up from daycare, which was located on the grounds of our job. I made up different adventures for Julian and I to do, lists of adventures to be exact. I basically made sure if I wasn’t working we were doing something even if it was just game night in our house. I lived everyday with the guilt that someone else was taking care of him while I worked. I tried to do as much as possible with him to get rid of the guilt but in reality it just made us both tired. It also gave Julian the expectation that we would always be on the move which gave us limited rest days, if any at all.

Fast forward to January of 2016, I had septicemia, was in the hospital for weeks and it was my last time stepping foot into my office as a worker. I was placed on leave without pay/unpaid medical leave. I applied for SSDI and for disability retirement through my job. The disability retirement that I applied for a year ago was just approved a few days ago as I sit in court with state disability.  I was left with no pay but the freedom to be home with Julian mid kindergarten year. I was able to be there for the Royal Tea party, although I am sure I could have gotten the time off of work to go but I would have had to rush back. I was able to volunteer for the science fair which we were both super excited about. Eventually I realized aside from that there wasn’t much else I could do, one because I have zero income and two because I was just sick or in pain from past injuries to my back.

I can honestly say I miss my job, the people. the purpose and most of all the paycheck. On the other hand I love being home with Julian. Not having the means to do much it made me slow the eff down and realize he doesn’t want or need to be whisked away  running from one bounce house, play date, vacation or whatever to be happy. This year I have been in the hospital twice, all he wants is to hang out with me wherever I am. I hate that being in the hospital has become a common normalcy for us but it has made me realize that what I wanted to give him, what my guilt wanted to give him really wasn’t necessary.  All we both needed was time, which is exactly what today was all about.

Long Island has an abundance of beaches to pick from, one of our favorites is Robert Moses. We got up at 4:30 am went and bought some breakfast and headed to the beach to make sure we didn’t miss the 5:43 sunrise. It was beautiful, we watched it cuddled in a blanket. It was too cold and the water was too rough to let him go in so we left soon after only to return at 5:00 pm. We set up camp and I got to watch and record him playing in the water, with his toys and just having fun. As the sun started to set we went to our blanket, he dried off and we took in the lavender sky, we even got to meditate to the crashing of the waves. It was a perfect day filled with laughter and bonding.

Working, not working, active or not – the time we spend, not the quantity but the quality is all that truly matters.  Enjoy your days as well as your nights and give those you love something great to reminisce about in the future.

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YouTube and You!

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A summer list of things to do turned into a home bound summer with lots of healing for me. I have been sick off and on for the past few years with no true explanation. I go soon for more testing to see if they can pin point my issues. This put a huge damper on our summer bucket list. Julian LOVES watching different channels on YouTube and wanted to start his own.

I already had a channel set up for my oils, which only has one video uploaded so far. So I changed the name to “The Guillaume Family, Adventures With Julian” and we started recording videos. So far I think we have 12 all together and are working on many different ideas for future videos. I was warned by one of my doctors to not allow Julian’s face to be seen on the channel. I am a very protective mother but feel that it is okay to have him on line showing what he loves. He is fully dressed and doing nothing inappropriate although I do know that a child can just exist and still attract a pervert no matter where they are, in person or on line. I decided to go forward and upload the videos and make them public.

Julian is a kid that is uncomfortable having a lot of attention on him and hates speaking in front of people. I feel that this is a great way to get him comfortable speaking in front of an audience, even if he is not physically in front of him. He loves talking about his toys, dinos and giving instructions on what he has learned. He is using his creativity to come up with different ideas for a video and figuring out what to use and how. He is his own director, producer and star of the show while I get to be the camera women behind the scenes.  His self esteem and confidence has increased an enormous amount.

We’ve gone to many garage sales as it allows us to find things to be a part of his videos that will keep us in budget since I have no consistent income right now. It is also something we can do together since I’m limited to what I can do and where I can go. This past weekend we went to 14 garage sales and found many treasures to add to his collection of ideas. We had a great time, his excitement and overall awe of going to so many garage sales was awesome.

I shared his channel on FaceBook asking people to like his videos and possibly subscribe and he was over the moon as he saw the numbers go up and that he got 5, YES 5 subscribers, only one that we know. I feel horrible that our bucket list has been put on hold until my PICC line comes out and get clearance to finally end my meds but Julian doesn’t seem to mind. We have recorded videos and uploaded them which he stated was his life long dream (he’s 7 lol).   In our hallway we have a collection of pictures, we add a few each day for an art show that we will have at the end of the summer and he’s gotten to sleep in without being rushed to go anyplace. He is happy even without all my planned activities…imagine that!!

If you want to check out our masterful creations, lol, you can check out Julian here Adventures With Julian.

Happy You Tube-ing everyone

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Three Little Birds

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This weekend coming I’m getting the picture above tattooed on me. Almost a year ago one of my best friends passed away from cancer. She was the most amazing spirit and I know she continues to walk with me today.

Out of respect for her family I decided not to post her name. This was not only an amazing selfless friend but an amazing mother to two under 5, wife, sister, social worker, kind compassionate and caring human. A true example of practice what you preach, a lover of love and life.

I went for my mammogram a month and a half before she did, the biopsy of my lump was a negative nothing while hers was full blown stage 4 cancer. The cancer was a leach that sucked out life from her until there was none. She followed every guideline giving by every doctor with no positive results. Her attitude was always up and up. She was a fighter, a survivor a warrior. Unfortunately the cancer had a secret weapon that was unable to be broken.

The tattoo was one she, another friend and I were going to get once she kicked cancers ass. I keep putting off getting it because even after all this time it still seems unreal that she’s not here to get it with me. To say I miss her daily is an understatement, I pray for those kids everyday along with her husband and family as well as sending them Reiki. Thier pain must echo mine X 100, I wish I could do more but like her they’re “all good.”

Her free spirit is with me always, watching over those beautiful kids and there to wipe her husbands tears away. The love of her community of family, friends and clients will be felt and heard forever. She has changed our lives, made us better people and always loved me even when I couldn’t love myself.

Three Little Birds
Don’t worry about a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing’ don’t worry about a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Rise up this mornin’
Smiled with the risin’ sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Saying’, (this is my message to you)
Singing’ don’t worry ’bout a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing’ don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Rise up this mornin’
Smiled with the risin’ sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin’, this is my message to you
Singin’ don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh
Every little thing gonna be alright, don’t worry
Singin’
alright / Pitch by my doorstep Singin’ sweet songs Of …
Aug 23, 2014 – Three little birdsLyrics by Bob Marley: Dont worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right. 
Genre‎: ‎Roots reggae
Recorded‎: ‎1977
Writer(s)‎: ‎Bob Marley

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The Process of Seperation

Describe Yourself in 360 Characters

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I joined a dating on line website thinking I was ready to get back out there. We are still married, he is dating someone and our marriage has been dead for at least 4 years. Because of this I thought I was ready to jump back in slowly.. dip my toe in the water. I signed up with no picture and the briefest description. My hobbies listed were Target, I couldn’t be with someone that doesn’t appreciate Targets greatness. Next my son, oh wait I needed to change the order of that since he is my number one and don’t want people thinking I love target more than Julian lol. I listed building Legos, being a mom, cooking and some traveling. I wanted to list catching up on sleep, being in a vegetative state and picking up after EVERYONE, but I decided not to.

After week one, getting messages about threesomes and hook ups with that description of nothingness I decided to add one picture and change my intro. Problem is all pictures of me include my son because we are joined at the hip for the most part. Even my selfies have his face attached to check. I put a big heart over his face on one of my favorite pictures of us and posted it. I changed my intro to a simple “coming out of a 17 year marriage, looking for friends, just seeing what is out here.  Again I got the crazy messages, my favorite was ” I have a female friend tht loves your picture and wants to be your sex slave”.  With that I also got serious messages from guys that seemed okay.

One in particular always had something to say each day no matter how small. Guys when messaging a female that you might be interested in don’t start out by calling her babe, sweetheart, baby, even starting a message with beautiful “hey beautiful, how are things”. This is such a turn off to me, then when I do tell you my name you take it upon yourself to shorten it with a nickname, why ask my name if you’re going to rename me?

I took the questions people were asking me on a serious note, including my frequent flyer (ff) and changed my intro again:

“Hi! I’m coming out of a 17 year marriage and not looking for anything serious, possible friends. I have one son and I am a holistic practitioner and blogger.

I am a mom first, I’m my son’s den leader in the Scouts as well as his religion teacher, he is my number 1. Although I teach religion I am more of a spiritual person who believes there is good in any situation. I’m sarcastic, I love to laugh and hate drama. I’m not looking to hook up, it really has been a long time since I’ve been single so I’m taking it slow.

I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me.”

This intro got me even more messages about hooking up and even more “meet me” request. So either I am speaking a secret language that I am unaware of or these people just don’t read.

My ff  sent me messages checking in, asking about my day and asking about things I like, which was nice but when I asked these questions back I never got answers. He asked me to exchange phone numbers, which I declined and then asked me to send him a voice message so he can bask in the sound of my voice (gag). I promised myself that I would listen to my gut feeling and with him I felt something was off. He asked if I was just separated and not divorced which it states on my profile in the questions you have to answer, I was honest “YES”, his reply, “I will be understanding and patient with you and you must do the same with me”  Excuse me “I MUST” no sir, I am not looking for anything other then to chit chat on line which I made extremely clear, I was not looking to meet or hook up. I was not asking for anything. Most of his following messages made me feel like he was doing me a favor by talking to me so I blocked him.

He made me realize that my intuition should always be listened to, if I don’t feel comfortable in a situation it is okay to remove myself from it. I also realize that I am not ready for these sites just yet. The offering of a sex slave was interesting but with the offer of someone else who I thought was awesome on the site asking to meet up I feel I am not ready for that. I explained this and he was gracious and a gentleman. When I am ready, if he is still single I will seek him out and see where it goes!

 

Manifest 2017 in 17 Seconds · Uncategorized

Crystal Grids

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What is a Crystal Grid?

Crystal grids are grids made up of crystals to help manifest an intended goal. This can be anything that is important to you it can range from motivation to work out to world peace. It is a more powerful energy than using just one crystal. There are specific grids and crystal placement for different intentions.

Tools for Making Crystal Grids:

A clear intention is needed. It has to be a clean intention, this is what will charge your stones.

A location for your grid should be of nature: a wood dresser, a glass table, a wooden shelf, metal table, marble counter ext. Cleanse the space with sage, crystal cluster, Palo Santo, or candles.

A small piece of paper with your intention or goal written on it, you can keep this under your center crystal.

An anchor crystal for the middle of your grid; I use a  quartz crystal point. This will be more powerful for directing your intention straight up into the universe. This should coincide with your intention and doesn’t have to be quartz.

Tumbled Stones that align with your intention, you can look that up here.

A Quartz point for activation

A crystal grid cloth  which you can purchase here or you can find ones to print out on Google. I use both, use whichever you like better.

Crystal Grid Layout Process:

Clean your space by burning sage or Palo Santo

State your intention, this can be out loud or in your head. I say it aloud, I feel like it gets to the universe clearer.

Write your intention on a piece of paper

Breathe deep and say your intention for the grid as you place each of the supporting crystals  on the layout

Start from the exterior and move towards the center as you set the grid

Place your intention under the anchor crystal in the middle of the grid.

Next, activate the crystal grid layout. Take a quartz crystal point (can be small or large), and starting from the outside, draw an invisible line between each stone to energetically connect each to the next. It is like connect the dots, connecting each to the other.

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Here is a website I found that can help give you some guidance in arranging your crystals for specific intentions. You can check it out here.

 

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How Fast Do Oils Work?

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I had my first oily massage experience when I won a raffle at a craft fair. I was beyond excited as I never had a real massage and I love oils.  When she arrived I was nervous, do I get naked? Do I stay dressed? Do I tell her where I hurt or just let her go at it?

She guided me onto her table and covered me up. She explained what to expect and started in with the oils. It was an awsome experience from head to toe. She put peppermint on my feet and told me all the reasons I need to do this daily. Within a few minutes I could taste the peppermint in my mouth.

These oils break through the blood-brain barrier into the olfactory bulb which is a part of the brain that reacts to smells and sound. This is why a scent or song can trigger a memory. Within 20 minutes the oils have reached each of your cells and is in your blood.

The lady that came used oils other then Young Living. Once she left I did a lot of research and consulted with my mentor and realized I needed to use Young Living.

Young Living has a seed to seal process, meaning they own the seed, they own their land, they cultivate their own land, cold press the oil and test it’s purity. I know that the oil I get is a pure oil with no synthetic added to it. If there is a bad crop, that oil will be out of stock. They even invite you to visit the farms which is on my bucket list.

Our skin is our biggest organ. The oils she used didn’t recommend them to be ingested yet I tasted it in my mouth meaning it was in my body.  What we put on our body will eventually be in our body so why not make it pure?

You can check out Young Living here http://www.youngliving.com/jvguillaume

I truly believe once you see the value you will realize they are priceless!

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Daily Intentions

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Do you set daily intentions for yourself and/or have your child set them? Do you write them down or speak them out loud, or do both?

Everyday on our way to the bus stop we speak about what our day is going to be like; busy, sports, dinner out etc. Then we go over what a great day we’re going to have. We talk about what fun Julian will have and guess what new things he will learn that day. Some days he doesn’t want to hear it from me so I let him lead the conversation which always ends up with positive affirmations. He questions me sometimes about why I say these things and I always tell him his attitude towards the day is a choice. No matter what, he has to be in school, why not make the choice to enjoy the day.

When he gets off the bus he let’s me know if it was a great day or a not so great day and we talk about why. He’s 6 and tells me everything, something I hope will continue in the future. He understands what went wrong in his day and talks about what he would do differently should it happen again. Constant critical thinking on his part.

We set out intentions at night for the next day right after we say our prayers. He used to make them all about poop and farts but as he got older (we’ve been doing this since he was 3) he understands what we’re doing and why. He understands that a bad moment doesn’t make a bad day. He knows that if he cries it’s okay to laugh soon after.

I found a daily intention tear off pad in Barnes and Noble and started using it with him. Every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday we write out our intentions. There are headings reading : Today I will : Be : Feel : Do: Appreciate: Let Go Of & Attract. Some days Julian fills every line and sometimes it’s only a few words. Once it’s filled out he tapes it to the wall next to the bed so he can remember what he wrote. He still slips his potty words in there but it’s followed by his real intentions.

I love the kid he’s growing into, his insight of self, his sensitive soul and his deep love for people and life. He teaches me something everyday making my heart grown and fill with gratitude.

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The Process of Seperation · Uncategorized

The Process of Separation

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My marriage has been in the state of separation for many years. Not officially but we lived in two different worlds, most of the time leaving me to feel like a single mother. He went to school and worked part-time on the weekend while I did everything else. I have always been the primary care taker of our son, I have been both mother and father to him.

When I wanted to move out west he pled with me to stay until he finished school and I did. I had so many plans that I put on hold, not just my move but school, having more kids, another dog to name a few. My ability to let go and my hope for a better relationship between him and my son kept me around longer then I wanted to be. This never happened.

I ended up in the hospital a year ago which changed all the dynamics of my life.  I was always the income earner in our house and I was left on unpaid medical leave. I filed for disability but was denied, my appeal is currently in court with the expectancy of it being another six months to be resolved. So I am left with no income yet it was still somehow my responsibility to get rent and other things paid, which I did. I sold my pocketbooks, borrowed and cleaned out my savings. With the money from his job he only took care of things he needed.

He finished school this past summer and got a great job, I was thinking all the money problems were going to be in the past. What a surprise to be totally left out of all financials and treated in a hostile manner. The tension is more than I care to have Julian be around, I can’t get him to leave so I am back to mulling over everything I have and selling anything I don’t want to pack or store.

I put together a crystal grid to help get me where I want to be. I wish no ill will on Him but I look forward to getting where we need to be. This process has been hard, filled with resentment of what we each feel the other has neglected or done wrong. Filled with anger of what we each feel should have been and for me regret that I had to get over for the things I gave up or waited too long for.  I had to heal myself to move on.

I continue to hold my head up high and let things I can’t change roll off my back as I know Julian is always watching. He in an empath like myself so I know he feels deeper and senses emotion more than the average person. I want him to be a kid as long as possible without grown up issues on his mind.  Julian hurts from the rejection of his dad who hasn’t attended his soccer games, basketball games, boy scouts (except one) and all other things he has accomplished as well as everyday life. I try my hardest to keep him balanced and in his 6-year-old space. He is an amazing little guy so all I do, swallowing my pride and forging forward is all for him.

Just because life isn’t going how you want it doesn’t mean it isn’t going as it is supposed to be. Learning to be grateful for what you have and not dwelling on what could have been or should have been can be hard. Once you learn to let go things fall into place as they should be. I know that my future is uncertain with my back degeneration taking away my ability to work the way I always have but I have no doubt that our future is going to be wonderful. The freedom this separation gives us is an amazing gift. I look forward to the finalized divorce and moving on. I know it’s all up from here.

Are you an Empath? Find out here!

 

Meditation Minded · Uncategorized

Meditation Minded

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I always try to stay mindful and present. There are so many distractions in my world that sometimes it takes me awhile to fully focus on my meditation.  Even so, I make it a priority to meditate at least once a day, sometimes for as short as 3 minuets  and sometimes as long as a hour. I love meditating and the clarity it brings me but it is something most mornings I have to force myself to do. I wish with everything in me I was one of those people that jumped out of bed right into meditation, but I am not. I have to remind myself why I need to do it, the solace I get from it and the meaningfulness attached to it.

In many ways in my life I feel a bit like a tortured soul that is forever looking for peace. I feel extremely deep, not only my own pain but of those around me. It is rare that I can stay mad or angry at anyone for anything as I will sort out the reasons why a person did something and instead of being mad think of ways to help them.

My focus is usually scrambled as my mind is all over the place. I need help getting into my zone. I always listen to music, usually this meditation music is my first choice to help me center myself. I  put on my diffuser with Frankincense, Palo Santo, Myrrh and Valor. Once I have this in place it is within moments that I am able to focus and elevate.

It is the Olfactory in the brain where smells and sound are processes.  There is real science behind why when you smell something or hear a song certain memories can be triggered.  Young Living oils break through the brain blood barrier into this nerve and it is what helps me focus. Diffusing oils and listen to calming music can help heighten the meditation experience, it does for me.

Days when my meditation is less then five minutes it is because I am going rouge, just me and my yoga mat. The times I took the time to set myself up properly are the days I get the most out of that time.  I hope you have a great meditation today, remember to stay mindful and put aside time just for you.

Namaste.

I am worth it

Why Are YOU Worth It?!?!?!

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I feel like this is going to be an ongoing blog post subject for me. It took me so many years to see why I am worth it, 38 years to be exact.  I went through the first 18 years of life being polite and accommodating. At that point I had been physically, mentally, verbally and sexually abused. My father passed away when I was 7 and my childhood died with him.  ( I know .. womp, womp womp)

I moved out of my house in high school and between drinking and depression I passed up a scholarship to the college, which was my first pick.  I went to high school and worked two part time jobs. Coming home from my second job, knowing I have to get up for school to a house full of drunk people had me giving up hard liquor but was still drinking beer because beer isn’t really alcohol.. Right?

Soon I was moving back home and ended up in a horribly abusive relationship that took all my other abuse and rolled it into one person. There was no love just a whole lot of fear. That ended with me having to move out of my house to escape him. My self worth was depleted, more so because of the disappointment and pain I felt I caused to my mom.

I started hanging out with new people, was more aware of my surroundings and was no longer that doe eyed doormat, at least I thought.  I became harder, cursing, still drinking my beers but enjoying life. No one was aware about how much I hated myself, how uncomfortable I was in my own skin, how I wish I could constantly disappear and just how much I wish I didn’t exist.

Lots more happened between then and now but I will fast forward to 5/22/10. My son was born and I was struck with post-partum depression. When Julian was 6 days old I started calling everyone on the list of therapist that the hospital gave out when I was discharged. I felt unworthy of this beautiful baby boy. I felt bad for him, he was stuck with me as a mother. His delivery was a horror show, it was a year before I was able to look at pictures from the hospital.   When he was 11 days old I started seeing a Social Worker and worked through more than I knew was brewing inside of me. She taught me that I need to stay in the “now” of things which helped my anxiety, she was amazing, until she moved from where I was lol. I then started with someone else that she highly recommended and the transition was seamless. It is amazing to see the transformation in myself as well as to have it recognized by someone you truly respect. I am forever grateful for these two women that invested their time, love and compassion in me. I know some will say that they get paid to do that, but this goes beyond that, so beyond.

I found my purpose in these past 5 years. I know my journey and although I am not there yet I love the learning along the way. I am now a Reiki master, oil enthusiast and manifesting mother. I am an amazing mom even on my worst days as there will always be bad days. I start my day with positive affirmations, brushing my teeth in the morning I look in the mirror and first laugh at how crazy my hair looks and then start my positive affirmations. I am beautiful, I am alive, I am going to have a great day”. Making Julian breakfast and getting him ready for school, I tell myself how lucky I am to be home to have this routine with him. As he gets dressed I speak out loud to him about what a great day we are going to have, how lucky we are to have each other and how lucky it is that we have food to eat. I know that we don’t have what other people in this town have but I never want him to feel he is less because of material things. Some days he tells me he doesn’t feel like he wants to have a good day and I tell him it’s not an option.

There are days I am in so much pain that I can’t do much other then go to and from the bus stop, on those days I am thankful that I spent so much money on a good bed. I don’t always believe my affirmations but I always say them anyway. What I don’t believe now, I will in the future. What we feed our mind is what we will become. I remind myself everyday that I love myself, I am worth it, I am enough, I deserve unconditional love.

All this started with me making myself breakfast. Instead of eating whatever is laying around and treating my body like a garbage can I took the time to make myself an amazing meal. I would do it for anyone.. ANYONE else so why not myself? I am as important as anyone else aren’t I?  I am my number 1. As they tell you on the plane, “In case of an emergency take the oxygen thing and put it over your own nose before placing it on someone else”. Okay that is not exactly what they say but you get the gist. If you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. #youarewothit #youareenough #youareimportant

Here is the breakfast that inspired this post:

 

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