When I think of manifesting good things come to mind. I think of peaceful meditation, oils diffusing and amazing thoughts playing through my head. I picture attracting all my thoughts, an amazing life, success and so on. Manifesting to me is a complete process that has time set aside for it and comes so easy.
In truth it only takes 17 seconds to put something out into the universe, so can’t that be at any moment in the day? When I am driving and cursing under my breath at the person that cut me off to then drive 20 miles under the speed limit – yes I curse, am I manifesting that anger into the universe? If I keep my rant to 14 seconds will it not make it to the ears of the universe?
When are you manifesting? I try to be mindful of my thoughts all day, everyday and of my potty mouth which in reality I am less successful at. I make time to manifest and organize my thoughts once Julian goes to sleep but sometimes my mind wonders. I start to think of different scenarios of different things going on in my life. I start with the “what if” questions that range from winning the lotto to if I could take back 5 days of my life which would they be. I go on wild journeys with my mind sometimes and it takes me time to ground myself and start all over again.
There have been times I brought myself back to horrific places in my life just to relive it because I felt I needed to feel that pain. It put me in an awful space and I had no real reasoning or understanding of why I did it. My answer now is I was trying to bring madness back into my life because I didn’t feel I was worthy of the peace I am now living.
I lived with hostility, abuse and dysfunction for so many years it became my norm, when it was gone sometimes I would panic. At times it was hard to believe I was past all of it and didn’t need it in my life to survive. Sometimes I needed to bring myself back to that level of hate of self and life, as well as all the ways I felt I disappointed the world around me and everyone in it. It was the familiarity of self loathing that I felt I needed to bring me down a peg, as if I was telling myself “oh yeah you think your free of this, well remember when….” I brought the madness back into my life, I manifested it.
I started writing things down on why I don’t need that hate and why I love myself and what I love about myself. Little by little I was able to move that madness to the back of my mind, as most people with PTSD can tell you it never fully goes away. I have no use for the useless information and memories that are stored in that little bubble. I am learning to control it, with that I am able to move past and move on to be my best self.
I am not at my best but I am so much better then the me I once was and on the path of prosperity to get to the best. I laugh now at the thought that I am not worthy, even on my worst days I am so far away from the horror I once lived. I am far away physically, emotionally, spiritually and best of all mentally.
Love and Light to all that are on this journey. Please remember you are worth it, you are love and you are loved.
PS I know the picture doesn’t exactly go with the post but I love it and it makes me happy ❤