I feel like this is going to be an ongoing blog post subject for me. It took me so many years to see why I am worth it, 38 years to be exact. I went through the first 18 years of life being polite and accommodating. At that point I had been physically, mentally, verbally and sexually abused. My father passed away when I was 7 and my childhood died with him. ( I know .. womp, womp womp)
I moved out of my house in high school and between drinking and depression I passed up a scholarship to the college, which was my first pick. I went to high school and worked two part time jobs. Coming home from my second job, knowing I have to get up for school to a house full of drunk people had me giving up hard liquor but was still drinking beer because beer isn’t really alcohol.. Right?
Soon I was moving back home and ended up in a horribly abusive relationship that took all my other abuse and rolled it into one person. There was no love just a whole lot of fear. That ended with me having to move out of my house to escape him. My self worth was depleted, more so because of the disappointment and pain I felt I caused to my mom.
I started hanging out with new people, was more aware of my surroundings and was no longer that doe eyed doormat, at least I thought. I became harder, cursing, still drinking my beers but enjoying life. No one was aware about how much I hated myself, how uncomfortable I was in my own skin, how I wish I could constantly disappear and just how much I wish I didn’t exist.
Lots more happened between then and now but I will fast forward to 5/22/10. My son was born and I was struck with post-partum depression. When Julian was 6 days old I started calling everyone on the list of therapist that the hospital gave out when I was discharged. I felt unworthy of this beautiful baby boy. I felt bad for him, he was stuck with me as a mother. His delivery was a horror show, it was a year before I was able to look at pictures from the hospital. When he was 11 days old I started seeing a Social Worker and worked through more than I knew was brewing inside of me. She taught me that I need to stay in the “now” of things which helped my anxiety, she was amazing, until she moved from where I was lol. I then started with someone else that she highly recommended and the transition was seamless. It is amazing to see the transformation in myself as well as to have it recognized by someone you truly respect. I am forever grateful for these two women that invested their time, love and compassion in me. I know some will say that they get paid to do that, but this goes beyond that, so beyond.
I found my purpose in these past 5 years. I know my journey and although I am not there yet I love the learning along the way. I am now a Reiki master, oil enthusiast and manifesting mother. I am an amazing mom even on my worst days as there will always be bad days. I start my day with positive affirmations, brushing my teeth in the morning I look in the mirror and first laugh at how crazy my hair looks and then start my positive affirmations. I am beautiful, I am alive, I am going to have a great day”. Making Julian breakfast and getting him ready for school, I tell myself how lucky I am to be home to have this routine with him. As he gets dressed I speak out loud to him about what a great day we are going to have, how lucky we are to have each other and how lucky it is that we have food to eat. I know that we don’t have what other people in this town have but I never want him to feel he is less because of material things. Some days he tells me he doesn’t feel like he wants to have a good day and I tell him it’s not an option.
There are days I am in so much pain that I can’t do much other then go to and from the bus stop, on those days I am thankful that I spent so much money on a good bed. I don’t always believe my affirmations but I always say them anyway. What I don’t believe now, I will in the future. What we feed our mind is what we will become. I remind myself everyday that I love myself, I am worth it, I am enough, I deserve unconditional love.
All this started with me making myself breakfast. Instead of eating whatever is laying around and treating my body like a garbage can I took the time to make myself an amazing meal. I would do it for anyone.. ANYONE else so why not myself? I am as important as anyone else aren’t I? I am my number 1. As they tell you on the plane, “In case of an emergency take the oxygen thing and put it over your own nose before placing it on someone else”. Okay that is not exactly what they say but you get the gist. If you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. #youarewothit #youareenough #youareimportant
Here is the breakfast that inspired this post: