My marriage has been in the state of separation for many years. Not officially but we lived in two different worlds, most of the time leaving me to feel like a single mother. He went to school and worked part-time on the weekend while I did everything else. I have always been the primary care taker of our son, I have been both mother and father to him.
When I wanted to move out west he pled with me to stay until he finished school and I did. I had so many plans that I put on hold, not just my move but school, having more kids, another dog to name a few. My ability to let go and my hope for a better relationship between him and my son kept me around longer then I wanted to be. This never happened.
I ended up in the hospital a year ago which changed all the dynamics of my life. I was always the income earner in our house and I was left on unpaid medical leave. I filed for disability but was denied, my appeal is currently in court with the expectancy of it being another six months to be resolved. So I am left with no income yet it was still somehow my responsibility to get rent and other things paid, which I did. I sold my pocketbooks, borrowed and cleaned out my savings. With the money from his job he only took care of things he needed.
He finished school this past summer and got a great job, I was thinking all the money problems were going to be in the past. What a surprise to be totally left out of all financials and treated in a hostile manner. The tension is more than I care to have Julian be around, I can’t get him to leave so I am back to mulling over everything I have and selling anything I don’t want to pack or store.
I put together a crystal grid to help get me where I want to be. I wish no ill will on Him but I look forward to getting where we need to be. This process has been hard, filled with resentment of what we each feel the other has neglected or done wrong. Filled with anger of what we each feel should have been and for me regret that I had to get over for the things I gave up or waited too long for. I had to heal myself to move on.
I continue to hold my head up high and let things I can’t change roll off my back as I know Julian is always watching. He in an empath like myself so I know he feels deeper and senses emotion more than the average person. I want him to be a kid as long as possible without grown up issues on his mind. Julian hurts from the rejection of his dad who hasn’t attended his soccer games, basketball games, boy scouts (except one) and all other things he has accomplished as well as everyday life. I try my hardest to keep him balanced and in his 6-year-old space. He is an amazing little guy so all I do, swallowing my pride and forging forward is all for him.
Just because life isn’t going how you want it doesn’t mean it isn’t going as it is supposed to be. Learning to be grateful for what you have and not dwelling on what could have been or should have been can be hard. Once you learn to let go things fall into place as they should be. I know that my future is uncertain with my back degeneration taking away my ability to work the way I always have but I have no doubt that our future is going to be wonderful. The freedom this separation gives us is an amazing gift. I look forward to the finalized divorce and moving on. I know it’s all up from here.
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